| Prom |
[05.21.06 @ 02:56pm] |
Soon the prom pictures, the blogs, will come. So here is my anti-prom blog.
All and all I'm extremely happy i didn't attend prom. I learned a true lesson in life, one i will never forget. I learned never to have trust in something as artificial as friendship because in the end it will just let you down. I learned that a true friend is someone that's going to be there when they don't want to be. A true friend is someone that despite their flaws, will always be there for you. I learned that i have a few true friends.. ones that i would never have thought.
Anthony- i didn't expect you to be there for me. But you were. And you always have been. I loved just hanging out with you-- with none of the bullshit drama and shit talking going on. Sami- you're damn cool. Even if you are a flower stealing whore.
Neil- Through most things in my life- you have been there, and there will never be words to express my gratitude. Debi just being around you raised my spirits, you're such a happy person. You're joyful spirit effects everyone around you.
Brad, Connor and all the other people at the mall. It was nice to realize what shit is like-- with out the drama that we allow ourselves to get sucked into.
Alex I had forgotten what a truely genuine person you were. You're an amazing friend to me and everyone els.e I twas great to be able to talk to you like we did last night.
Alicia, Kayla D, Rachel, haha even tia and crystal- despite everything.. you guys were there for me last night. Thank you.
I'm sure there are other true friends i have, but right now i'ts not blatently obvious for me to see. There's only one person not mentioned in this blog that should be. But i'm going to opt not to put her here.. because i don't want my emotions to speak.
To all of the people i truely care about, and who truely care about me (which is a smaller number-- due to some recent events) i hppe you had an amazing night at prom and i hope you enjoy your last few days of school
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| Peace |
[05.15.06 @ 11:28pm] |
I love how this is the only place i can be truely honest anymore. And that's only because no one from Saguaro reads this shit anymore. And while this isn't exactly verbalizing whats going on in my head, it's a way of expression.
People change and so does life, constantly. The only constant in life is change itself. My best guy friend of 3 years, has completely abandoned me. because he changes and circumstances with other people changed. Not the most rational reason to end a friendship, but hey. Not my decision.
Since i last updated, I've done a complete 180. I was best friends with chloe, now i don't even talk to her. I had a decently large group of friends.. another thing that has changed. Hell, my goal in life was to make other people happy. Now.. I've realized that that is irrational and will only lead me to self destruction. Trust has disappeared and i am so scared of my day to day lonliness that i'm paranoid beyond what's healthy.
"Is this person going to ruin this" "I can't believe they talked" "Dont do that.. I'll lose you" Irrational? yes. Can i stop it? No. too many promises of "I'll love you always" or "we'll be friends forever" have been broken and died with me, that i can't believe it anymore. Hate me for it? Fuck off. I think i'd rather be lonely and weak than hurt and broken. Friends aren't worth the pain. Hell, neither are guys.
I fall into the same routine over and over, and it happens to be with the same guy--this time. Who knows what will happen with it this time. I guess we'll find out. There's a large possiblility of it being better than last time. If he'll let it.
I constantly am at a loss for words. A loss for expression. A lost for happiness. All i really want is to be able to smile and feel like everything is perfect--like it was in January or Febraury. what changed? I don't know. But i know shortly.. It will all be lost again. The face of friendship will change from me, back to someone else.. And what will be left? Me.. alone because i lost everyone because of this one person?
Doomed is what life has become. I'm not at the suicidal point yet, not until my theories play out, like they always do. Once everything falls apart like it always does.. Then that will be the end of it, and the end of me. I can't live with this anymore.
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[04.27.06 @ 11:54pm] |
I really want a date to prom..
But with who?
=/
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| a teenage suicide |
[12.07.05 @ 01:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 thoughtful |
] |
Time's rollin' forward
I'm gettin' bored
Layin' on my back
I'm loozin' track
Shifting patterns
And nothin' matters
'Cause there's no one here
And I've lost my fear
Well I've got no place left to hide
I'm running out of time
Moving slowly
The walls are closing
In on me
I can not see
Appearing fine, well
That's all a lie
'Cause I am not alright
Extinct inside
I'm runnin' out of time
My mother says I'm fine
A teenage suicide
No place to hide
Well I've got no place left to hide
No place to hide
I'm runnin' out of time
No place to hide
Ya, I've got no place left to hide
No place to hide
A teenage suicide
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